You Can't Help But
by kennedy ann
Summary: Caught between a love who has always been there and a love always denied to you, you can't help but wonder how long before fate makes you choose between the two. You can't help but think you'll be unable to live without both. Faberry/Quintana


She's trembling under the touch of your skin. Never before have you felt trepidation like this. Slowly you move your gaze up; your breath catching in your throat when you see no hesitance in those brown eyes. It's in this moment you know you were made for one purpose only, to be here with this woman and to worship every square inch of her light.

Gently you begin to explore, much like your relationship has progressed. You are careful, you refuse to rush into this, too terrified you might bite off a bit more than you're ready to handle. She's your first time making love. Not sex, not a hook up, but the physical expression of those feeble words, "I love you".

You think of all the times you did this with Santana, how she lit your world on fire and how much passion burned between the two of you. You know this will be nothing like those times, that you want Rachel to take you completely. There will be no hesitance, she will encompass everything you are and you will succumb to the ultimate show of trust. You will belong, finally, to her.

You close your eyes upon first contact, down there, and she too shudders so intensely, you know she's been waiting just as long for this moment as you have.

"Open your eyes." She whispers, afraid to break the spell casted between the two of you.

You comply, shooting her daggers of want, her gaze piercing you right down to your very core. You don't think you have ever grunted before, and you'll deny it tomorrow, but the sound that explodes out of your throat sounds just like the ones puck made that night, over and over and it makes you blush.

"Fill me, Quinn." She breathlessly begs of you. And you comply without hesitance, taking her past arousal she has ever felt and into something entirely new.

"I love you." You whisper, hoping she can hear you above the rush of blood to her ears and the furious beating of your heart.

She clutches onto you like she needs your touch, your body more then she needs air.

"I love y-"

And then she's coming and you're sure you haven't done much, but just the look of pure elation, satisfaction and joy on her face confirms that you made Rachel Berry come with just the power of your words.

"I love you."

It's her mantra, her every reason for living, those three words Rachel keeps breathlessly whispering into the shell of your ear. Peppering you with kisses she rolls you over and clutches you so fiercely there isn't a piece of skin that is not flush with hers.

People have said those words before. Britney says them to you every time you part ways or hang up the phone, and your mom says it every night now. Your father leaves you messages on your cell phone with those words, claiming he's sober now, and he's so sorry. Santana says them once in a while, usually after you're both drenched with sweat and panting and coming down from each other's touch. Puck said it to you once, right after Beth was born.

But right now, you truly understand the power behind those three simple words. Because when Rachel says them, they mean everything they are supposed to. You fall asleep, content to lay there in those words for the rest of your life.

* * *

"So… word is you slept with the hobbit. Are you two like, together now or something?"

You wonder if it makes you a terrible person, or a good person that you consider lying to your best friend about Rachel. You have always felt the need to protect Santana's heart and now seems no different, but you know she'll see right through your lies.

"Yeah… last week. I didn't bring it up 'cause… well…"

That's the best it seems you can do for now, and it's better than either of you were expecting so the silence stretches on for a few minutes while she processes this new information.

"Does this mean we are over? Like, are you with her now?"

Her question shouldn't take you off guard, you realize these are things you should have asked yourself as soon as it happened, but strangely it does.

"I don't know." You answer honestly. Her brown eyes, so much like Rachel's, bear into you. She seems confused and you can't really blame her. These are things you should know.

"I guess I haven't given it much thought yet… I'm still trying to… process it all…" you softly mumble.

"Well," she begins after ten minutes of uncomfortable silence. "let's take this one question at a time and figure it all out, for my sake."

You nod your head, because honestly, who else could be better at helping you figure out your own life better then your best friend of ten years?

"Are you together… monogamously?"

When you don't have an answer for her she continues.

"As in, is she your girlfriend?"

Is she? You're not so sure but you never asked her to be, and she never mentioned the word girlfriend before so…

"No… I don't think so." You hesitantly answer.

"Okay, well… do you want to be?" she prods gently. There is pain in her tone; you can hear it, even though she is trying so hard to mask it with understanding.

"I… don't think I'm ready for that just yet…" you answer honestly. She nods her head and let's go of a breath you didn't realize she was holding onto.

"Does this new development in your relationship with her mean that… we… you know aren't going to be there for each other anymore… physically?"

You open your purse and put out a small plastic bag and your lighter. Santana patiently waits for you to respond, watching you roll a thin joint and twist the tip. As you light the tip and fill your lungs with the sickly sweet smoke of marijuana you allow yourself to imagine your life without the Latina in it. She pulls the bud out of your hand and takes a long drag.

"Take a picture, Q. It'll last longer…" she grumbles through her exhale.

"You're so fucking sexy…" you say on instinct. She looks at you like your crazy and pulls once more from the slow burning joint. She has that glint in her eyes, the one she always gets when she's about to go down on you and it makes your heart beat double time. She makes a "come hither" motion with her finger and you close the gap between you, straddling her hips and bracing yourself on the tree trunk supporting her back.

You feel like time slows down as she brings her mouth to yours and in a painfully slow kiss you inhale the smoke pouring from her lips and let it burn your lungs pleasantly.

"You remember the first time you let me do that to you?" she asks, sliding her hands up your thighs and resting on your bottom, burning holes through your grey yoga pants straight to your core.

"I was terrified." And you really were. It was your first girl-on-girl kiss, and your first hit. You knew after that you were a goner and couldn't resist the hold this beautiful girl had on you. It was your first taste of freedom, and it was so addicting it progressed for the next two years.

"Give me that." You say petulantly, grabbing the dwindling joint from your best friends hand and taking one last hit before the embers died at the end.

"I love you, you know." Santana says. It's the only time she's ever said that without there being hours of sex or crying involved, and in that moment you realize just how scared she is of losing you.

"I'm not going anywhere, San." You say confidently. It feels like the truth, and that's good enough for now.

She pushes herself off the tree and lays you down on the grass underneath her. She is so light and fits so well with your body you immediately stretch out and wrap your arms around her body, holding her close to you.

"Your heart sounds funny when you're stoned…" she says after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"You mean my heart sounds funny when **you** are stoned." You chuckle. You feel good, content and alive. Almost like when you and Rachel where done making love and spent an hour just laying together, staring into each other's eyes.

"Santana?" you ask softly, and receive a soft hum for your troubles.

"Do you think that maybe, one day you will make love to me the way that Rachel did?" you ask cautiously. You'd never ask this if you both were sober, but you think she might be just stoned enough to answer you honestly.

"Maybe…" she says. She doesn't embellish her answer, and you leave the conversation where she did. You hope that maybe one day it will be a yes, because if you're being honest with yourself, you have loved Santana just as long as you have Rachel.

"I love you too…" you say bravely. You would think she was sleeping, if you hadn't felt her hold onto you just that little bit tighter at your confession.

The sunsets, casting a soft glow over her skin and long brown hair and in this moment you know few things in your life are as beautiful as the girl in your arms.

* * *

You don't remember falling asleep, but when you wake up the stars are bight in the sky and there are lightning bugs buzzing all around you. Disoriented, you attempt to get up but find it impossible. The smell of cinnamon and oranges alerts you of who the body pinning you to the ground is and you gently run your hand through her hair, attempting to ruse her aware.

"Santana… you have to get up, we are getting eaten alive out here and I have to get home before my mom calls the police or something."

The Latina just groans and pulls herself further up your body, nuzzling the crease between your neck and your collarbone, right where one of your bright pink scares are.

"I don't want you to go…" she sleepily mumbles into your skin, causing Goosebumps to rise all over you skin. She tangles her legs with yours, further trapping you to the itchy ground and slowly begins to kiss all the way up the left side of your neck to your ear.

"Fine! I'll stay the night! But you have to let me call my mom and let her know, or she'll never go to bed."

"I haven't taken your phone away have I?" she asks, a smile evident in her voice as she takes your ear lobe into her mouth and gently begins to suck on it.

"I swear you really are Satan sometimes…" you grumble, pulling out your phone and hitting number three on your speed dial. It only takes one and a half rings before you hear Judy anxtiously answer the phone.

"Quinnie! It's so late, where are you?"

You fight down the urge to roll your hips against Santana's hip bone and swallow down a moan as she starts licking the shell of your ear lightly.

"I'm fine mom, staying over Santana's tonight so don't wait up. Love you!"

You throw your phone across the yard after hanging it up on her and roughly pull the brunettes face to yours, attacking her in a passionate kiss.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep my voice steadily when you do things like that?" you ask her teasingly.

"It would totally be a bummer if my lips didn't make concentrating difficult for you…" she murmurs against your lips with a cocky smile.

"Shut up and kiss me you perve." You just make out before she attacks you and shuts you up.

That night you check off 'sex under the stars' from your bucket list, and you can't help but wonder if this would feel more special with Rachel, or maybe if you wait just a bit longer Santana could one day give you what she would have, once more under the stars.

* * *

"So I have been thinking… it's been a month since we first… you know, and maybe you would like to go on a date with me? Nothing too extravagant, just dinner at this little vegan place and then perhaps a movie or a night at the local theatre. What do you say?"

Rambling was always one of your favorite parts of Rachel's personality and you know she only tends to do so anymore when she's nerves of rejection. This is why it kills you when you answer her.

"I can't, Rach. Maybe once we get to college and I come visit you and Santana in the city, but not here. I can't risk my father finding out and honestly? I'm not ready to be seen in public with another girl that way, especially in Lima, Ohio…"

You can see her heart breaking, even though she puts her show smile firmly in place at your words. You hate that you hurt her, but everything about being out in public terrifies you still. You can't help but realize that Santana would have understood, and it would never have broken her heart. She knows what it's like to be ashamed of something you can't control, which is something Rachel's never felt and couldn't ever understand.

"I'm sorry, Rach. Maybe in a few months…" you mumble. You loath yourself for this, but you know it would only end up hurting her way more if you agreed and then blew it out of fear.

"No, it's okay, Quinn. Just… let me know whenever you are ready to take that step, 'cause I would really like to be your girlfriend someday."

With those words you can feel you throat seize up and it suddenly becomes much harder to breathe. Your skin starts to crawl and you feel clammy and light headed and terrified at the prospect of having a girlfriend.

"Quinn? Are you okay? Quinn, you need to take deep breaths! It's going to be okay; do you have your inhaler?"

You nod violently and grip at the couch underneath you for support.

"Where is it, Quinn? You need to answer me or I can't help you!"

In a panic Rachel pulls out her phone and dials the one person she thinks may be able to help.

"What do you need, hobbit?" an irritated voice comes through the line.

"Santana! Quinn's having a panic attack or an asthma attack or something and she won't tell me where her inhaler is or what to do! She's turning really white, San! I don't know what to do!"

"Hey! Shut yourself up. Now get her bag and look into the side pocket. Her inhaler should be there, where are you guys now?"

Rachel frantically searches for your satchel around the living room of her home.

"We are at my house, should I call 911! Or a Doctor or someone?" she practically yells into the phone.

Finally finding the yellow bag she opens up the small side pouch and pulled out the blue inhaler she'd seen you use during your last repertory infection. She barely registers Santana telling her to hold tight and that she'll be there in less than five minutes.

When Santana finally comes barreling through the door, you are breathing a bit better, but still pale and dizzy.

"Q, what's going on? Tell me, how are you feeling right now?" she asks forcefully, taking your face in her hands and bringing your foreheads together.

"I feel… really light… headed. And woozy." You force out between deep breathes.

"Midget, get me a glass of cold water and a piece of fruit or candy or something. Please!" Santana practically yells at the shocked brunette.

"Baby, you need to relax…" you hear her say. She moves her hands from your face down your neck and kisses your forehead fiercely.

"You're okay… I promise you're okay…" she mumbles softly against your skin. You hear the faucet being turned off and then light footsteps reenter the room.

Rachel looks between the two of you and offers the glass of water and the pear that was asked of her.

"Okay, baby… you gotta drink this whole glass, but very slowly. Then we can maybe get some of this in your system and get your blood sugar up to normal. How's that sound, mi Bella?"

You nod your head and take a slow sip of the cold water, which instantly calms your nerves and makes you feel better. Santana is rubbing small circles on you lower back and you can't help but feel so grateful that she's the one taking care of you and not Rachel.

Once the water is gone, Santana turns to a shocked and confused Rachel and asks, "What brought this on?"

The smaller girl just stares at you with a bewildered expression rambling off a thousand words a minute that all mean she has no idea.

"Stop talking, Hobbit, and listens to me, comprende?"

Rachel nods her head once and looks at me with a hint of fear in her eyes.

"What were you doing before this happened?" the Latina asks slowly, eyes bearing into the smaller girl.

"We were just sitting here, talking. I swear!"

You feel a wave of nausea come over you once more, recalling exactly what you were talking about.

"What on God's green earth could you have possibly been rambling about that could induce a full-fledged panic attack on Q?" she askes, very careful not to be too sharp with her words.

You can feel her hand cover yours, immediately relaxing you enough to thread your fingers together and give you the strength to keep breathing on your own.

"We were just… I was just asking Quinn if she'd like to come on a date with me, maybe sometime… in the future and she just stopped breathing after I told her I'd really like to be her girlfriend one day… I mean I love her… you know?"

The grip on your hand gets tighter, so tight it actually hurts and you whimper at the pain. You can't help but think how Rachel would never hold your hand this tight; she would always be soft and gentle.

"Really, Punta? You want Quinn to be your girlfriend do you? Do you have any idea what would happen if she was to be found out? She would be disowned, again. Her tuition would never get paid for by that useless piece of shit the court calls her father and she'd be stuck waiting tables at Bread Stix for the rest of her life. But, that's okay as long as she's all yours, right? Is that what you were asking her for? To give up her entire future just because you 'love her'. We'll I have news for you, Rachel. I will never let that happen. Q's too good for you."

You hear Santana rip the small girl a new one and think to yourself that it's all wrong.

"No, San. She's too good for me. She deserves more than I can give her." You look at her and convey through your eyes that you are in fact talking about her too.

"Let me take you home, Bella. I'll be in the car, okay?"

As Santana walks out you ground your feet into the carpet and grab your yellow bag.

"I'll call you later, okay?" you ask gently, cupping Rachel's face in your hand and brushing a tear off her cheek.

"Um, okay. I guess." She says dejectedly. You close the remaining distance and kiss her softly. As your lips glide effortlessly with hers, you can't help but realize Santana would have never put you in that position. She knows how you tick too well, and Rachel is just barely learning about who you really are.

"I love you…" you feel her say more then you hear, as your lips part each others.

"I love you too, Rach." You whisper, because you really do. You always have, but right now that's so not enough and too much at the same time, and its way to terrifying to think about.

Once you get in Santana's car and buckle up you look at her and see that she's been crying and it breaks your heart to see someone in love struggle so much.

"Can we go to the mall? I really wanna smoke a bowl and then make fun of all the Lima losers we'll never see again in a month."

"Sounds good…" she says with a small, painful smile and a quick kiss to your cheek. You can't help but wonder if Rachel will ever get you the way your bestfriend does. And you can't help but think Santana might someday love you the way Rachel has, all these year.


End file.
